My Kingdom for a Merkin

Atheist Coming Out Party!!!

2009-08-04T13:02:00.079-05:00

My girlfriend Shelley recently came out of the Atheist closet to the world, including members of her family, friends and co-workers. I am proud of her for many reasons, one being that she sent out e-mails to family members detailing her journey and what she discovered along the way. She also made an official announcement on the Facebook. Secondly, I am proud of her for coming out at all. Many people without faith remain in the closet about their beliefs because there can be real life repercussions to being an out and open Atheist. However there has been a recent movement in the Atheist community with billboards and bus ads letting people know that they are not alone in their disbelief. As a result many people have been bravely stepping outside their closets and finding that it's not so bad out in the open air. For this reason as well as a few more Shelley made her announcement to the world and I think that's pretty swell to say the least.

Shelley was kind enough to share with me the many responses she got to her coming out and I noticed a similar trend that I also experienced when coming out. One crowd was totally behind her, however there was another crowd that gave two lines of negative responses.

The first was the "Have you considered ______?" This response seems as if some people can't possibly imagine what a life without a god would entail. They think that we will be lost without SOME sort of spiritual system guiding us even though we have outright told them that we are happy if not excited about our discoveries. They then offer us some small sect of a religion (or a larger one) to reconsider or for that matter some set of woo woo beliefs which have no more evidence in favor of them than religions do. Shelley was recently offered Buddhism. I have been offered various forms of deism and astrology among other woo woo alternatives.

The second response actually offends me a little. It is the "This is just a phase/stop on the journey" response. It's a way of calling us immature, dumb, unenlightened. It assumes that we'll be back, that we'll come to our senses one day and realize that god exists (their god in particular). This response may be the result of poor listening skills. Atheism for us is not a stop in the journey. It might just be the destination. That response treats atheism like a it's just a fad. Big jeans were a fad. Talking like Napoleon Dynamite was a fad. Tights-as-pants were/are a fad (trust me...tights are not pants). My atheism has taken years of study and thought to cultivate. It is a lifestyle, not a fad.

Shelley heard the "You can always return to Christianity when you're ready" response from a few people after she came out. And my own parents, the most liberal awesome parents ever, have said to me upon occasion, "You were born a Jew and you will die a Jew" as well as "Judaism will be here when you're ready for it." On the first point they're kind of right. I will always be a cultural jew. I will always retain a part of that culture (mostly the food) in my life but I have no place in my life for a god that I don't believe in and a set of laws that are outdated (and in many cases plain wrong). On the second point...I give a third finger salute. To an extent my parents believe that they have failed me when I talk of my Atheism and I have to remind them that Jews fought for millenia for their right to believe what they want to believe. This includes not believing and I am thankful for the opportunity to make that decision on my own.

This post is not telling people to shut up. I don't have the right to NOT be offended. I fortunately live in the country where I DO have the right to believe or not believe what I want (so long as I don't physically hurt people because of those beliefs) and to express those beliefs no matter how offensive they may be. That includes me being offended by your beliefs. In the end Atheism is just another idea on the marketplace of ideas. Neither Atheism or Theism deserves any special privileges in the marketplace. Nor do my politics, my hairdo, or my tattoos. I'm realizing now that this post is actually about WHY these kind of responses are ultimately unsuccessful. To be more specific...

Response #1 ("Have you considered _____?") doesn't work because, yes, we have in fact considered many options (outside of what we were indoctrinated with as children) and we're not necessarily going to be willing to delve into one more of the many possible religions and sects and woo woo beliefs that abound. This is especially true if you can't provide solid evidence based on scientific standards. Theists around the world have discounted thousands of gods and goddesses without the bat of an eyelash. We just believe in one less god than you do...AND we have given it a lot of thought. Daily thought. And discussion. And study.

Response #2 ("This is just a phase/stop on the journey) doesn't work because not only are you calling us stupid but once again you're also not backing it up with anything. You can call me an idiot all you want but if you can't back it up with solid evidence for why my idea is wrong (and I'm not talking about anecdotal, "I was an Atheist and then I found _____" arguments) then your argument will have the effect of merely alienating your audience.

So in the end Theists can still use these tactics when someone comes out of the closet about their Atheism. They will most likely not work, but fire away. I'm sure that I will be having these conversations until the day I die and I welcome that. Finding out what is actually true about the world is extremely important to me and it is through study, experimentation, conversation and debate that we will find the truth. In the meantime I'm going to open up one of the tiny champagne bottles in the back of my refrigerator and give a toast to the girl that I love.

And Now For Some Video Infotainment

2009-08-04T11:58:00.006-05:00

I've seen this guy posted elsewhere on the web and figured I'd jump on the bandwagon. Enjoy.

On Getting Shit Done or Let's Start a Band...TODAY

2009-05-24T22:29:00.022-05:00

While I was in Japan during December I acquired a Daruma doll. They're basically these scary mustachioed heads with no arms or legs and pupil-less eyes. You fill in one of the pupils while thinking of a wish or task you want to accomplish. When or if that goal is attained you can fill in the second eye. At the end of the year all Daruma dolls are burned and you get to start anew. They're basically 3-d "To Do" lists with one item per list.

What goal did I focus on while filling in the right eye of my Daruma doll? I'll tell you. Now shut up and listen.

Since 2005 I have been wanting to create an improvised rock band. A band that plays an entire concert of music based on audience suggestions. I'm talking chord progressions, lyrics, harmonies, hip shaking etc. I'm not talking about a jam band like Phish. Even they have written songs that they improvise around. I'm talking about rock songs from scratch starting with a word from the audience. In my mind it was a perfect way to combine all the things that I love. I have never been very good at distilling what I do down to one art form and creating this band was a way to fulfill a ton of desires in one fell swoop.

However, it's 2009. That is a long time to be thinking about a project and not doing anything about it, I know. Before now I didn't quite have the tools to take this project on in a confident manner. However, in 2008 I began training at the Musical Improv Conservatory at the Second City in an effort to start closing those gaps of knowledge. There I gained a ton of tools to add to my belt as well as meeting a bunch of talented fuckers to boot. The Musical Improv program at Second City was honestly some of the best improv education I have ever had...ever.

As the new year approached and I saw that in February I would have a potentially large window of free time open up I decided that it was time to start a fucking band. With the help of Natasha I picked myself out a Daruma doll and when I got back to the states I filled in that first eye. As Touch, the play that I was working on, came to a close I invited Missy Moreno and Israel Pederson to join the band. They are two fellow students from the Musical Improv program and both of them are not only talented but they're also just good people. Thankfully they were both about as excited about the project as I was and they both joined up. A few weeks later we added Erica Elam into the fold as our director and soon after held auditions where we found Aaron Rice.

We are currently a 4 member band. Instruments currently in our arsenal are guitar, bass, accordion, keys/synth, percussion, sax and 4 part vocal harmony. I hope to add more instruments as time goes on. I've got a ukeleelee collecting dust in my living room that is itching to join the band.

We have been rehearsing for several months now and have had a few public performances which are all leading up to...our first run of shows!!! We have a 5 week run of performances coming up in July at the Viaduct Theatre here in Chicago. We will perform every Thursday night at 10 p.m. with (hopefully) a different opening group each night. Tickets are $10 and can be bought in person or online at http://www.viaducttheatre.com/. Needless to say I am stoked. We have postcards, posters, press releases, websites, facebook pages, and twitter accounts all geared towards spreading the word.

No, I have not filled in that other eye yet. It still stares blankly at me reminding me that my job is not nearly done yet. Once this first run of shows ends I think I'll be able to fill it in but then this Daruma doll will be replaced by another one with another goal for this band. Agents? Tours? CDs? T-shirts? I'm not sure yet. But I'm filled with hope and riddled with "to do" lists.

By the way, we have a name. We are RESET LIST.

A Confession

2009-04-18T02:51:00.001-05:00

I'm 27 years old and I just did the pee-pee dance.

Go me!

Armchair Skeptic

2009-04-09T14:56:00.011-05:00

As I have become more and more scientifically and skeptically minded over the years a common question has come up in my head. "What the hell can I do about it?" At times I feel a little paralyzed aside form foraging through the atheist/science blogosphere in an effort to educate myself and talking with my friends about my what I have learned. I do a lot of reading, a lot of listening to Radio Lab and a LOT of talking. However I still don't feel like I'm doing enough. For that matter I don't feel like I know enough. Like most college grads will tell you, my education has really served to teach me how little I do, in fact, know. And I'm not sure what I can actually do with what I have integrated into my long term memory.

A few options have reared their heads in my mind in the past few months like a case of fetus in fetu.

1. Become a psychological research assistant. I'm not sure if I'll need some sort of science degree to do this though.

2. Go back to school and get a degree in something ( i.e. biology, neuroscience, psychology, sociology) and then do something with that degree...like putting it in a picture frame.

3. Start a newspaper column to compete with the Astrology column. I'll name it, "Real Advice: Because Making Your Own Decisions is Hard and Astrology is Bullshit" and put such gems in it as...

Brunettes - give a stranger a hug today. I dare you.
Pennsylvanians - A homeless person will ask you for money today. Give them more than you should.
Mike from Ohio - Your girlfriend is sleeping with your buddies. Get a paternity test.
People who wait in lines outside of bars - You're wasting half your night standing in a line. Find another bar. You can get drunk and find people to populate your bed anywhere.
Moms - Tell your kids something that your mom would never tell you.

4. Get a job teaching biology or sex-ed (see #2).

5. Write a play.

There are others but they have slipped my mind. Regardless, in my internet browsing the other day I can across this and it made my heart skip a beat. It's a big ass mother pdf called "What Do I Do Next? Leading Skeptics Discuss 105 Practical Ways to Promote Science and Advance Skepticism" and it is exactly that. This pdf will get a thorough reading and highlighting and maybe, just maybe, I'll do something.

On Being Open Minded

2009-04-02T13:47:00.010-05:00

I thought this was swell.

From QualiaSoup

Things Japan Can Keep

2009-02-12T15:47:00.000-06:00

This is the first of hopefully many posts to the tune of "Things ______ can keep (for itself)." Standing shoeless in the living room of my blog with ticket #1 one in it's hand is Japan...the country. I just got back from a two week vacation there visiting my best friend and I had an incredible time. You name it, there is a chance we probably didn't have time to do it. Even with 12 days there we spent most of our time in Tokyo and the cities surrounding it. I have 600 pictures documenting the experience. There were so many things I loved about Japanese culture, but then again there are the things that made me cringe with un-delight.

Japan, here is a list of things you can keep.

1. Your pretty man/boys - Japan, what's the deal. The men that your culture considers beautiful all look like women. Their hair comes down to their chins and they usually apply a generous amount of pomade to it in order to sport some spikes. They are waif thin and often wear makeup, what I would be consider Japanese hipster clothes, and women's wallets in their back pockets. You know the ones I'm talking about. The wallets that are basically 8 inches long and can hold a file cabinet's worth of information. In the states they would be pick pocketed faster than you could read the bible.

2. Hostess Bars - In the states we have strip clubs and Hooters. Places we can go to get the girlfriend treatment (as well as some nudity) and not leave in debt. Well, you can spend an arm and a leg at a strip club but it's not the rule. Hooter's is basically great food which is accompanied with a side of girlfriend treatment. It's a game that both you and your waitress know you're playing but it's still a fun game to play. In Japan they have hostess bars where you basically pay for companionship. You pay women a shit load of money for their company and might end up paying upwards of $1000 for a glass of champagne. No sex involved. It's like a legal escort service where you don't really go anywhere. You get some chatting and some booze and the feeling that maybe one day you'll get your bone smooched. If I were my girlfriend I would remind myself that it serves a function in society and for the individuals who use the services of the Hostess bars. There are a lot of lonely people in Japan. There are a lot of lonely people everywhere. Still, Japan, you can keep your hostess bars.

3. Japanese Porn - Japan has obscenity laws dating back all the way to 1907 that prohibit the distribution of obscene materials. For the porn industry that means that they can't show any genitalia or pubic hair. Those who do not comply can be fined or imprisoned. So you can sell magazines and videos of people fucking but their crotches have to be blacked or blurred out. You can depict any position or fetish, but for some reason you can't get a clear close up of a vagina. Pretty much, only the editors of Japanese porn are the only ones who get to watch it in its full glory. Maybe the directors and actors and crew as well but you get my point. Even in Manga porn (comic book porn) you can't get the whole picture. You get more, but not the whole shabang shaboom. Now I saw some of this stuff first hand at a 7 story sex toy store in Akihabara as well as in the Manga porn that Natasha bought me for Christmas and I was aghast. They took away exactly what I wanted to see. I can't (read "I don't want to...at all...ever") get off on looking at boobies alone. Maybe when I was 13 I could. But now I want to see vagina. And I want to see things going in and out of those vaginas. So Japan, you can keep your porn.

4. Cell Phone Key Chains - Japan is home to every accessory imaginable. Everyone accessorizes. Claire's is huge in Japan. However people go so far as to turn their phones into veritable paper weights in the name of individualizing. Most phones have a little loop on them for a key chain. However in Japan one key chain is often not enough. People load up their phones to the point where their key chains weigh more than the phones they are attached to. Bushels of trinkets adorn their communication devices like peacock tails. I saw one guy with a waffle attached to his phone. It was hilarious and now kind of reminds me of the rope of key chains that I used to attach to the zipper of my Jnco Jeans in middle school. Man, those were the days. Once again, don't stop doing what you're doing. Just keep it for yourself.

5. Thank You and Excuse Me - People in Japan are polite. They are super polite. It's awesome, but it's almost too much. Upon leaving a restaurant once I was thanked 6 times in quick succession by the same person. Yes, it gave me plenty of chances to practice saying "Domo arigato", but it was a bit overkill. I felt like the words lost their effect after the third iteration. And I never got to see it but I heard they have virtual bowing wars where two people basically keep out-bowing each other until they're on the floor. Once is enough, folks.

The Japanese equivalent for "Excuse me" is "Su ma sen." It was one phrase that came in handy in Japan because I am a loud American with a giant backpack. I bump into things. I get in people's way. I walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. For these and many other reasons "Su ma sen" came in handy on a daily basis while in Japan. However, I learned when I came home that the literal translation of "Su ma sen" is "I don't exist." It's not too too much worse than "Excuse me" or "Pardon me" but it's still pretty bad. Even in English we ask for forgiveness for bumping into people accidentally as if we raped their personal space. The Japanese have simply taken it a step further and said, "I'm not even here. I'm not a real person. Ignore me. Please." I have personally taken to the traditional Gottlieb response of "Hup!" It recognizes that we have accidentally made contact (or almost bumped into each other) but it places no blame and asks for no forgiveness. Please note: "Hup" does not work for "I gotta squeeze by you" situations. That would probably just freak out/piss off whoever you were trying get by and you might start a "Hup" war which can only end in tragedy.

6. Thin Walls, Thin Beds, and Love Hotels - I can really get these three down in one fell swoop. The walls in Japanese houses are thin. They don't have good insulation to keep out the cold or the voices of your next door neighbor. Which makes sex problematic. And since most people sleep on thin mats the vibrations caused by humping (let's call them "Hump waves") also travel to your neighbors. And though I never tried it, I'm assuming that the mats aren't that conducive to sex either. They limit your positions and comfort. And since people don't like to disturb the peace in Japan many people wind up at...LOVE HOTELS. At a love hotel you rent a room for an hour or so, go in with your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, mistress etc. and make all the loud whoopie you could ever want. There are tons of babies in Japan so I can only assume that these love hotels are used all the time. They actually serve a great purpose I have to admit. Space is limited in Japan. They've got bajillions of people living on a tiny island (an actual census figure) so privacy is limited. And the interior doors of houses are basically made out of paper so if you have kids, finding time and space to make more is hard if you have to do it in your own home. This is where the love hotels come into play.

Hmmmm...they really do serve a great purpose. Love hotels are quite functional. And we Americans also rent out hotel rooms to make hump waves ourselves. So...let's bring over love hotels and let Japan keep its thin walls and beds. Unless you have a bad back, of course. Then sleeping on a thin mat on the floor might be of use. OK, let's bring over the love hotels and thin beds and leave the thin walls to the Japanese. WAIT. Thin walls are good for stunt doubles and professional wrestlers. FUCKITY FUCK.

That's my list for now.

Geeking Out

2009-02-11T10:14:00.002-06:00

Natasha had been on my ass for months (from 5,000 miles away) about listening to Radio Lab on NPR. "Listen to Radio Lab," she'd say. "You smell like...SHUT UP," I'd reply. While I was in Japan visiting her she even made me a cd of one of the episodes to get the ball rolling. I didn't get around to listening to it for almost a month.

And then my head exploded.

As I have gotten older I have become more and more of a science nerd. I always enjoyed the sciences, but since graduating college I have actually done more reading about science than I ever did in college or in the years preceeding. Seeing programs about astronomy and reading books on science by the likes of Richard Dawkins and Dr. Helen Fisher fill me with a kind of awe that can only be compared to - for lack of a better word - a spiritual experience. Kyle, the main character in Touch (the play I'm currently in) has an argument with his wife about her astrological beliefs in which he says (emphasis mine) "...I know astrology is just a game. It's just something people do for fun. And why do it, because what's real and true is so much more fantastically beautiful." The actual science behind the world is, for me, so much more mindblowingly amazing than any sort of woo-woo or religious explanation for the world, how we came to be, why we do what we do, and the list goes on.

And in walks Radio Lab. Now, I've only listened to a few episodes thus far, but every single one I've downloaded has left me awestruck. Not only are they informative, they are easy to listen to and often times funny. PLUS, you can download all the episodes on iTunes for free. As in, you don't have to pay for them. No five-finger discount necessary. So do yourself a favor. Listen. Enjoy. Learn. Rinse. Repeat.

Weird...Just Plain Weird.

2009-01-19T15:11:00.005-06:00

The battery in my car died this past week due to a streak of sub-zero temperatures. Honestly, even a moment of sub zero temperatures would be considered a streak of sub zero temperatures in my book. A moment is too long, an hour is too long plus 59 minutes and 57 seconds. We had a few days in the sub-zero realm. I like saying sub-zero. It reminds me of Mortal Combat...but I digress. Fortunately, this is Chicago. Cabs, trains, buses, carpools and (girl)friends become travel options once your car dies so I wasn't too shit out of luck. Also, unfortunately, this is Chicago. We get to experience sub-zero temperatures every once in a while. I do my best not to complain. Is screaming in agony complaining? I am of the conviction that if you choose to move to a city you're also choosing its weather so there's really no point in complaining. Still...C'MON Y'ALL. Walking around in -14 degree weather is no picnic. A picnic without ants is sure as hell not a picnic and I haven't seen any ants since winter reared it's frosty head this year.

Sooooo...Saturday afternoon I went to go jump my car. I was fortunately accompanied by three people who can all verify this story. I pop my hood, prop it open and look down at my battery when I see it. A Chocolate Chip Cookie. In perfect condition, no less. It's just sitting there, nestled between the positive and negative prongs on my battery, staring up at me like I had woken it up from a nap. How did it get there? I don't know. How long it had it been there? I don't know.

Here are some theories...

1. Perhaps I was changing the fluids in my car and I just so happened to place a cookie on the battery. It looked a little like a Subway chocolate chip cookie and I am known to put them in my mouth, which is followed by mastication and swallowing.

2. Maybe the last guy to work on my car a few months ago left it there after eating lunch while changing my temperature gauge.

3. Mayhaps a renegade squirrel or cat stole the cookie and retreated to the underside of my car to eat it. When it placed the cookie down on my battery it was shocked and killed, falling out of the engine compartment of my car as I drove at some point, leaving the aforementioned chocolate chip cookie for me to find and ponder over.

I don't have an answer. I do have eyebrows though and they are certainly being employed right now.

Gimme Five!

2009-01-09T12:03:00.003-06:00

Gimme five...

Up high...

Down low...

To the left...

In the bag...

You were adopted.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Gottlieb

2008-12-16T16:27:00.004-06:00

This piece was originally published on the New Leaf Theatre Blog...yesterday.

The holidays are coming and while I’m filled with joy I’m also filled with fear. Terror inducing fear. Eye twitch provoking fear. Ok, I’m an actor, I’m prone to hyperbole and being devilishly handsome. Regardless, some amount of fear fills me when it comes to this holiday season. It isn’t the War on Christmas. Santa will slay any heathen who contest his infinite power. It isn’t that I haven’t bought any gifts yet. I’ll get that shopping done while I’m in Japan…

Wha…

“You’re going to Japan?” you ask.

“Yes” I will answer.

“In the middle of rehearsing for Touch?” you probe.

“Yes” I will reply.

“Oh. But it’s just for a few days, right?” you laugh uncomfortably.

“12.”

So, yeah I’m going to Japan. It was in my conflicts before we started rehearsals and for some reason Jessica still decided to keep me in the cast. For that I am eternally grateful. I am also slightly freaking out. Not only am I afraid of being away for so long because I am potentially halting our creative process for nearly two weeks, but I will also honestly miss these people. The rehearsal process allows you to get surprisingly deep inside other people’s lives for a few months and I am going to miss my new found friends at New Leaf Theatre.

However there are some remedies. I have already asked Jessica for acting homework while I’m away. I will be running lines, doing scriptwork and keeping journals as I visit temples, karaoke bars, and participate in grand scale gawkery. I have also talked to Kristina (who plays Serena in the play) about the possibility of having video rehearsals over Skype. It’s the future y’all. We can do that now. It will make the more “intimate” moments of the play slightly more complicated but we can work around that.

I fly back to the states on January 2 just in time for a 6 p.m. tech rehearsal. Januarly 2 will officially be the longest day of my life due to the time change. I’m likely going to be quite loopy at this first tech rehearsal. And while there is a peppering of trepidation about returning to the rehearsal process this peppering is on a mountain of excitement. I haven’t mentioned that before now for dramatic effect. Please refer to the aforementioned disclosure about being prone to hyperbole and being devilishly handsome. I am, in fact, insanely excited about this show and the progress we have made on it. Each day leads to new discoveries and connections and my time in Japan will allow me to marinate upon these discoveries. I first read this show back in 2001 as I prepared a monologue from it for my first acting course in college and I have been waiting to perform in Touch since then. Now is my chance and no vacation to Japan or war with Santa (I’m actually fighting on the heathen side) will stop me from putting my best foot forward.

It’s my right foot… if you were wondering

I Look Good on Paper

2008-12-16T12:08:00.005-06:00

Whenever it's time to write a bio for a play I'm always faced with a quandry. To have fun or not to have fun? This is my chance to shine...on paper at least. I can keep it simple, write down the shows I've done and thank the theatre I'm working for. That's what I usually do. It works well. I could also be a complete ass and fictionalize my bio, as comedians and improvisers are wont to do. This time around, for Touch, I sent my stage manager two choices for bios. One was the normal professional bio, and the other one read as follows.

"Matt Gottlieb is not only awesomely talented, he's also humble. Humility is one of his greatest assets. He's also extremely handsome and well endowed. Recipient of the much sought after "Best I've Ever Had" award by all of his ex-girlfriends, Matthew is able to use his family jewels (and I say jewels because they're covered in diamonds) like an orgasm seeking missle. Oh yeah, Matt also does plays, improv, and he writes songs that skip the pop charts and go straight to the rock and roll hall of fame. Did I mention that he's talented yet? Matt would like to thank...himself for giving himself the opportunity to blow your fucking mind. You're welcome. "

My mom is always telling me that I need to promote myself harder. Maybe this bio will get me there.

Making Up Words

2008-11-26T10:37:00.002-06:00

I stole this from Natasha. Shamelessly.

There is now a site dedicated to people who like to make up new words. Move over Merriam-Webster, move over Urban Dictionary. Addictionary has arrived. Shakespeare coined something like 1,700 words so why can't we give birth to a few ourselves, huh?

I myself have already made a contribution to the site.

Fukaki (adj.)

Enjoy.

Flashback 2: Wrong Lyrics

2008-11-17T13:04:00.013-06:00

You know how you grow up saying or singing one thing and then finding out years later that you were completely wrong? Oh, that hasn't happened to you? Well then...awkward...

Anyhoo, I am guilty of this offense on numerous occasions. I said "For all intensive purposes" until I was 21 (for those of you who still don't know, it's "For all intents and purposes") and I still don't know the lyrics to "Black" by Pearl Jam which is a song that I often listen to in the soundtrack of my mind. And then there are the lyrics I don't care to learn. I love words, I love lyrics, but I can listen to Rufus Wainwright all day long without having a clue of what he is saying in some of his songs. I don't care what he's saying. All I care about is how his music makes me feel.

Well, to bring this up to date, last weekend on my way to improv class I was singing "Wonderful World" by Sam Cook to myself. After getting through the first verse I realized the serious mistake I made as a kid.

Here's the actual verse:

Don't know much about history

Don't know much biology

Don't know much about a science book

Don't know much about the french I took

Here's what I used to sing as a child:

Don't know much about history

Don't know much biology

Don't know much about a science book

Don't know much about the French-eyed choke.

As a kid I didn't even flinch when singing it. I didn't know about the French-eyed choke. I had never heard of it. Sam Cook and I had something in common and if he's going to sing about it then it must be real. But what the hell is the French-eyed choke? Can only Frenchmen and women give it. Is it open to everyone? Can it be learned. Perhaps it's as simple as the lift of an eyebrow and the pursing of the lips while cutting off the airflow of your enemy with your freshly manicured hands. Like a form of Karate the French-eyed choke had to be accessible to the public and though I didn't know about it as an 8 year old I was determined to master it.

Here's where things get troubling. What if I wasn't singing about the French-eyed choke? What if I was singing about the French I'd choke? As in the French people I'd kill. Did I hate the French as a kid? I did grow up in Georgia. Or maybe I was singing "don't know much about the French I'd choke" to say that I'm much more willing to murder those that I don't know...and that once I do get to know these people that I wouldn't kill them. I did go to France as a spry 13 year old and learned that the French weren't all assholes. AND I didn't kill anyone in the week I was there. Maybe in that week I all my hatred (if it in fact existed) was quelled by the overwhelming love that seeps out of every corner of Paris.

Crisis averted?

Crisis created?

Either way I need to start reading my liner notes more carefully. Who knows when the French are listening?

Flashback!!!

2008-11-10T11:28:00.010-06:00

I was just reminded today (as in, I had kind of forgotten) of the fact that when I was only 21 years old I was seriously shopping for engagement rings, checking out venues for wedding receptions and figuring out which family member to have join the Universal Life Church so they could perform the ceremony. SERIOUSLY.

On that note...PHEW. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am to have dodged that bullet. Not in a hateful, "You're a stupid cunt" sense. Well, maybe a little bit of that but moreso in the sense that I was ill equipped to be a husband back then. I didn't have the relationship skills. I hadn't graduated from college. I got vertigo whenever I got into an argument with my then girlfriend. I STILL periodically get vertigo when I get into arguments with girlfriends. I didn't understand the biology of relationships back then. And I couldn't see past the current relationship to understand that it might not be the end-all be-all of relationships.

Now here I am, 27 and quite the opposite of married. However, my relationships today are so much healthier and richer than they were back then. I am able to truly enjoy the present without worrying about the future all too much. Will I get married? I dunno. I'd like to at some point. But the next time I play house I'm playing for keeps.

In other news...everyone should listen to Clare and the Reasons

Holy Mother (Mother) of Gottlieb

2008-11-06T10:28:00.000-06:00

If you haven't listened to Mother Mother yet, do it now. NOW I TELL YOU!!!

Thanks to my sister's boyfriend Dan I began listening to woxy.com in 2006. Thanks to woxy.com I came across the quirky, sexy lyrics and the virgin-tight three-part harmonies that is Mother Mother at some point in the same year. Thanks to Mother Mother I now have non-sad-bastard music to listen to.

Folks, I'm a sad bastard. No I'm not depressed, I just like to listen to music that you can cut your wrists to. Breakup music, sad bastard love songs, songs written to and as victims, songs written to and as assholes. I love that music. I eat that music. I write that music. Then Mother Mother came along and that all changed. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. 1 part alternative rock, a dash of folk, three spoons full of surf-rock, the eyes of a stalker, a lock of hair from the Andrews Sisters, and a stolen g-string. Seriously, listen for yourself.

Well, I got to see Mother Mother last week at the Hideout here in Chicago. It was absolutely sublime. I have been waiting two years to see them and it was well worth the wait. You know how bands sometimes suck live (i.e. Maroon 5). How they can't live up to their recordings. Well, Mother Mother's live sound surpasses their recordings. It's like taking off the condom and...well, you get my point (pun completely intended). I stood at the edge of the stage just feet from the band with my friend Annie and we sang along for every song. Both of us were complete starfuckers that night, also coincidentally the band that Mother Mother was opening up for. One thing that made the show so great was being able to see how they performed. Each singer had their own performance style. They didn't bother trying to match each other like the girls in a Robert Palmer video. But probably the best thing about the show was the fact that they got an encore...and they were the opening band...and opening bands don't get encores.

After the show Annie and I introduced ourselves to the band and bought them drinks. We shook hands, swapped names and what-we-do-for-money stories. I offered them my futon the next time they were in town. Annie offered one of them her heart. It was great to get a face, name and history to the voices I've been listening to for so long. It allows me to humanize them while deifying their newly found human qualities. I bought another copy of a cd that I already own digitally, justifying my decision by reminding myself that my car has trouble playing burned cds and that the band needs my money far more than I do. After all, I am an office manager. Full time. Benefits. Dead on the inside.

Some Things Change, Some Things Piss Me Off

2008-11-05T09:52:00.009-06:00

YAY!!! We put Obama in the White House. He sent me an e-mail last night to thank me personally for all I did for the campaign. I can't wait for my $30 contribution t-shirt to arrive in my mailbox. I'm gonna wear the shit out of that at the gym. Regardless, I was in Grant Park last night with about 250,000 other people including most of my improv group, The Rabble. Obama's win came as a complete surprise. It just popped up out of nowhere and the crowd went wild. Yay for change. Yay for being alive in this time of change. I feel pretty fortunate.

All in all it was a pretty joyous night. One of my favorite parts was the last sound check. "Check 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Final sound check for the next President of the United States!" was followed by a Jericho yell from the crowd. It was all pretty powerful.

However, two things pissed me off. I'm not sure if they were on tv or not but to my knowledge they were not shown to the masses. For that I'm grateful...or am I?

1. Before Obama gave his acceptance speech a pastor/reverend/person of the cloth came out and led the crowd in prayer. He led 250,000 people in a prayer that not only invoked a god in general but that also invoked Jesus specifically. Now here's the thing folks. We live in a country where we have a distinct separation of Church and State. If you want to pray in your home or in your place of worship you have every right to do so. However when you have a quarter million people do it at a state sponsored event in conjunction with a politician - ESPECIALLY the next president of our country - it becomes not only an endorsement for religion in general, but an endorsement for Christianity. And that is a violation of our separation of Church and State. That prayer last night alienated every person in that audience who was not Christian. Every Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Wicca, Buddhist, Sikh, Jain, Baha'i, and Atheist was left out. The list of religions left out does not stop there, but you get the point. We are not a Christian nation. We are a country where we are free to practice our religions so long as we are not hurting other people. And that's wonderful. I'm personally free to not believe anything and to me that's amazing. However, when you start invoking Jesus at a political rally you get one step closer to having an official religion of the country. Obama's people should have known better.

And I understand the sentiment behind prayer but it was completely unnecessary.

God isn't going to keep the President safe. The Secret Service will. God isn't going to protect our country. Our military will. God isn't going to make relations between Democrats and Republicans any easier. We will. It's all in our hands. Let's use them for something other than praying.

2. Some woman made mincemeat of the National Anthem. So here we are about to greet the next president of our United States of America and the woman who is tapped to sing our National Anthem does not know all the words. She gets at least three of them wrong. Yes, I know it was only three words. I know it's not really a big deal. But, come on!!! If that ceremony were the skeleton piano scene in Goonies we would have all died. I'm just sayin'.

And yes, I should give her the benefit of the doubt. She was in front of a quarter million people singing for her new leader. I would be nervous too. But I might have written the lyrics on my hands. Also, this was after the praying incident so I was already reeling from offence #1. This just added insult to injury.

AND NOW FOR A DASH OF WHIMSY...

I was amazing to see people trying to spell out "Obama" in the streets with their bodies.

and

puppies.

Dopamine Shmopamine Part II - a Potentially Redundant Sidenote

2008-11-04T10:12:00.009-06:00

Please note:

I am not saying, "Love is grand and beautiful. It is the impetus behind the most beautiful music in the world, BUT it is the product of a chemical reaction in the brain."

I am saying, "Love is grand and beautiful. It is the impetus behind the most beautiful music in the world, AND it is the product of a chemical reaction in the brain."

And I think there is a huge difference between the two. Sometimes it is actually hard to live that second quotation with the knowledge of the science behind the feeling, but that's my goal...AND that's my goal? By finding the science behind love I am not trying to disprove it. It is very real. I have felt it. I have walked it. I have lived in and written a slew of love songs. I also now know what is physically going on in my brain and body while I am feeling it. And that can take away some of the lustre for some people. I'd love to believe in soulmates (or the soul for that matter) and "the one", but I don't. I have no reason to believe in it given the evidence. However now I have proof that love does exist. Love in a physical scientific form. And that makes it so much richer. It is a love I can touch. And it is so much more interesting than anything I could make up or hope for.

Dopamine Shmopamine

2008-10-30T15:06:00.015-05:00

Note: This post concerns my relationship/sex life. It does not go into great detail however if this is not something you're comfortable reading about please click here.

Relationships make me fat. Well, I can't really blame the relationship. The onus is honestly on myself. No one is physically forcing Gyros and peanut butter cups down my gullet. However, I've noted in the past that when I start dating a girl (older than 18) my pants start getting tighter. Most notably I went from 175 - 210 lbs in college during one relationship. Part of that was due to the fact that I had stopped dancing and I didn't realise that I still had to exercise to retain "golden cock" status. The other part was that I just kept eating and eating and eating.

Why is this?

DOPAMINE.

Readers Digest Explanation: When romantic entanglements begin the brain is flooded with dopamine and norepenephrine. Both of these are feel good hormones. They are reward hormones. You do something awesome = you get a hit. However, after a few months of a relationship our levels of dopamine begin to drop and are replaced by Vasopresin, an attachment hormone. We might not feel good about a relationship at that point but by then we're emotionally bonded with that person for better or for worse...usually for worse. The relationships that last (for the better) are the ones that are able to keep their dopamine levels high. How do they do that? By creating new experiences together. Going on trips, trying new restaurants, new sexual positions, watching movies, playing games. Dopamine is triggered by new - to quote my father - adventures.

Well, what else triggers the release of dopamine? Eating. More specifically, eating sugary foods. So the beginning of relationships are riddled with the release of this hormone and we soon become addicts. Once levels begin to wane we start fiending for that next hit be it in the form of sex, late night chats, dates, or food. However those dopamine surges don't last too long and soon enough we're cheating on our girlfriends and making late night raids on 7-11. "No, my fellow workers of 7-11, my eyes aren't sunken from too much heroin. They are sunken from too many late nights of sex. I am currently afflicted with a dry whistle and I must feed my addiction differently tonight. Point me to the Dove Bars and Slurpees." Even on nights filled with sex we still binge eat because it just raises our dopamine levels higher and it's not like you can overdose on it.

For those of you who have Linklater training and prefer that I speak in "I's" please feel free to replace all the "we's" above with "I" if it makes you more comfortable. However, since you're human, and the product of millions of years of evolution, this process DOES have to do with you as well. Regardless of how magical you think love is, in the end it's the product of chemicals and timing. Which to me makes it even more real and more awesome. The science behind it gives reason and evidence behind your feelings.

Anyhoo...I just started a new relationship. And I'm hungry. All the time. Boxes of chocolates are disappearing before my eyes. The workers at my local 7-11 are learning my name. Perhaps it is the spectre of dopamine sneaking up on me again. Or perhaps it's the fact that we're approaching my yearly Winter Binge (Halloween - New Years). I don't know what it is, but I do know that I've thrown away all my fat jeans. Gaining weight is not an option this time.

An Open Letter to Miss Misery

2008-10-28T09:39:00.010-05:00

Dear Miss Misery,

I know way too much about you yet I don't even know your name. Last night was the 4th time I've run into you at a concert. Evidently we must have similar tastes in music or you are stalking me. I must admit, I am pretty awesome (for a douchebag) so I'd understand if you were stalking me. I've always wanted a stalker, someone to who would steal my trash, kill my enemies and build an effigy of me that they could snuggle with at night. But alas, I think you're honestly there for the music.

The first three concerts I saw you at involved Glen Hansard. Two were concerts for The Frames and the third was for Glen's side project, The Swell Season. At two of those concerts I actually stood next to you and I introduced myself to you at at least one of those shows. Last night I saw you at the Mother Mother concert at the Hideout. I didn't say hi this time. I did find myself standing next to you again though. I know that you have upside down crosses on the backs of your arms, "Miss Misery" tattooed on the back of your neck and some other tattoo on your sternum or chest. You also trek all the way from Milwaukee to Chicago for each of these shows.

This is not one of those craigslist missed connections letters where I'm hoping you'll e-mail me so that we can live happily ever after...or happily ever until next Tuesday. I just think it's fucking crazy that I have seen your face so many fucking times and I don't even know who you are. I have managed to not run into people that I hate and who live just miles from me for TWO YEARS. Yet it seems that I can't go to a concert here in Chicago without running into you, Miss Misery from Milwaukee. I think I even told my girlfriend about you just two weeks ago for some reason and then BOOM there you are again. Is this fate? I think not. Coincidence? I think so. Weird? Most definitely.

What was the point of this open letter? I'm still working that out. I think it's more of a pre-emptive, after-the-fact hello. Soo..."Hello. Hi. Salutations. I hope you enjoyed the concert as much as I did. Let's maybe acknowledge each other's existence if we ever see each other again. We don't have to be friends, or make eye contact, or babies. All I want is a word, your name...and your soul."

Sincerely,

Matthew Lee Gottlieb

Your Ass is Next: James Dobson and the Homosexual Agenda

2008-10-24T15:50:00.005-05:00

James Dobson is a scary scary scary fuck. He hopped in his time machine and traveled all the way to 2012 after Obama's first term in office and reported back to us, the trembling masses, here in 2008. Evidently the Homosexual Agenda will sweep across America like astroglide and ruin everybody's lives.

For just the juicy tidbits click here.

For the entire 16 page shit storm click here.

You gotta love some good old-fashioned pre-election fearmongering. "The gay coats are coming! The gay coats are coming!!!"

Yep, I'm Still Skeptical

2008-10-21T10:04:00.017-05:00

But that's ok. Oh wait. Curiosity killed the cat, right? What fucked up asshole made up that maxim to tell his kids to shut up? And HOW has it remained alive today? Oh yeah, we are surrounded by people who indoctrinate their children as opposed to teaching them how to think critically and ask questions. And although an infinite game of "why?" sounds less than fun to me, I'd rather have curious kids than mindless robots. I love robots though. And I don't plan on having kids...CRISIS AVERTED.

Anyhoo...I was doing some research on Science Blogs about past life regression. A good friend recently told me that there is overwhelming evidence for the existence of past lives, the memories formed there, and hence, the soul. Being a curious person (and skeptical asshole) I have started my own online research into this in the past few days. I have found plenty of sites promoting past life regression, however I have found nothing published so far in a peer reviewed journal or any sort of science blog. It's a little bit frustrating. Come on people, where are the double-blind tests?

James Randi, a very well known skeptic, author and magician, has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone who can demonstrate supernatural abilities or existence of the supernatural in double-blind testing. So far, since it's inception in 1996, NO ONE has been able to claim this prize. Failure after failure after failure after failure after failure on the part of eager psychics, inventors of rubbish, and dowsers. I feel that if someone were able to prove past life regression worked to this foundation that they could gladly give up this 1 million dollar prize. I e-mailed James Randi this morning thanking him for his tireless debunking of "woo" and asking him where I could find reliable information regarding past lives because I was impatient and tired of fruitless searches on my own (I didn't quite put it that way to him).

He was awesome and actually wrote me back.

"That's "woo-woo," not just "woo"....
There are 209 references on SWIFT...
James Randi."

Yes, he corrected me on my usage of the word "woo" but he pointed me in the right direction. I look forward to continuing my research.

In related news, as I was doing my initial research on the Science Blogs website I came across a hilarious definition of Christianity based on the Nicene Creed . Thanks to the Pharyngula blog.

"Christianity: The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree."

Yes, this is more of a Catholic view of Christianity, but it's funny nonetheless. And yes, I got a haircut.

Tales of a Bachelor Pad

2008-10-15T19:43:00.013-05:00

I have never lived alone before. I've lived in any number of partnered situations; with friends, girlfriends, strangers, with as many as four roommates and as few as one roommate. Well, there was the last few months of my freshman year in college where I lived alone in my dorm room because my roommate got kicked out of the dorms for smoking pot in our room as well the month I lived alone in my apartment when I first moved to Chicago, but other than that my name has shared leases and mailboxes with multiple people.

I have lived in the same two bedroom apartment since I moved to Chicago three years ago. In that time I have cycled through three roommates. All three were found on craigslist. None of them were outright nightmares however the first two could not locate the dishwasher. They found the sink and countertops directly next to and on top of the dishwasher but they somehow could not find the dishwasher proper. These things are hard for guys, having penises and all. I understand, I have one. They block our field of vision and are often too busy finding holes to plug.

Now, my most current roommate was awesome. Joe not only found the dishwasher time and time again but he knew how it ran. And run it he did. Dude cleaned up after himself and me. He played a mean guitar and could talk to a stone and get it to tell him its life story. As great as he was though I was ready for a change. I was tired of living with other people's schedules, other people's tv preferences, other people's
girlfriends. I didn't want to have to ask permission to have friends stay the weekend. I grew tired of wearing pants around the house and keeping my voice down when roommates were sleeping. I could go on but you get the point. It seriously wasn't him, it was me.

We did, however, have this conversation...
Joe: You don't love me anymore
Me: You're right

I lied though. I still love him...in a "hetero-lifemate who I no longer live with" way.

The last time my lease came up for renewal I just signed along the dotted line because I was too lazy to find a new apartment. However, this time around I had been talking about my need for a pantsless space for too long. I needed to live up to my kvetching (because that's what Jews do...even Atheist Jews) and find my own place. So that's what I did. I have since relocated to an AWESOME one bedroom apartment in Ravenswood. Not only does it have a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and living room, but it also came with an office, and back porch jungle with built-in seating and a doorbell/intercom system that actually works. Most importantly it's mine. Yes, I sound like a three year old. Yes, I'm ok with that. But now it's also my mess, my responsibility, my empty bank account.

Highlights so far:
-Guests any friggin time I want
-Naked tv watching
-Making a "Gottlieb" label for my mailbox
-Sleeping, peeing, showering with the door open
-Naked guitar playing
-Cooking in my underwear
-Watching what I want when I want to
-Various wars with various pieces of IKEA furniture
-Waking up at 5 a.m. on a Sunday to the sound of my upstairs neighbor pacing until 9 a.m. (oh wait...that sucked)
-Ordering wall decals from here.

Next steps:
-Hanging up said wall decals from here
-Buying two separate coat racks. One for coats, one for pants
-Finding a witty punchline to end this blog

Dating Lessons from 14 Hours in the Future

2008-10-15T15:42:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I know. It has been a long time since I've blogged. Yeah, I know. You got lonely. Yeah, I know. Penis.

Hopefully I will keep up with the blogging this time. I realize that the more I write here, the more I write elsewhere and it's nice to have that creative/bloggative outlet. Yeah, I wrote that. AND WHAT!!! Wow, I'm on edge today. Watch out people, Gottlieb has ten fingers and is not afraid to make words up with them.

Here's some news from a while ago that maybe not everyone knows. If you don't you should. If you do, here it is again. I'm going to Japan. Evidently, a current passport and $1,500.00 is all it takes to get from here to there. Staying relatively sane, unlost and alive for the next 12 days will be a challenge but Ill be up for it.

"Why are you going to Japan?" you ask. I will answer that my best friend in the world, Natasha Rothwell, is currently there teaching English. She can be stalked here. Before she left I made a promise that no matter how far she went that I would visit. Plus, I had been looking for a good excuse to get the hell out of the country for a few years now and Natasha has provided the perfect fulcrum. Now I have a place to go, a place to stay, and someone awesome to spend my time with.

An anecdotal conversation

NATASHA: I'm going to Japan

MATT: Good, now get the fuck out of my country so I can start missing you.

Natasha has been out of the country since April. I thought that keeping up with her would be next to impossible due to the fact that she lives 14 hours in the future but it hasn't been all too bad. Yes, our conversations tend to be late night drunk dials and g-chats but they are quality drunk dials and g-chats. That, plus we have had awesome video conversations through Skype, which is probably one of the coolest things since sliced bread. My first conversation over Skype with Natasha clued me into the fact that we are in fact living in the future. It was like all those movies from the 1950s-1970s depicting futuristic phone conversations. Except that instead of doing business or planning the hostile takeover of some distant planet, I'm eating cereal in my underwear and talking about girls. (If anyone ever wants to contact me over Skype my screen name is gottmatt2)

"What are you going to do in Japan?" you ask. Whatever the eff I want! Plans are still in the works but Natasha has done a boat load of research for our trip so far. Tentatively we have plans to see old temples, go to Tokyo, sing kareoke (multiple times), take baths in hot springs, shop in a seven level sex toy store, watch Natasha perform improv, eat copious amounts of food, and maybe even get tattoos.

"Do you speak any Japanese?" No. That's why I have a Natasha.

"Does Natasha speak Japanese?" No. That's why it's good that a boat load of people in Japan speak English.

"Wanna make out?" Yes.

Somebody's Getting Married...

2008-04-21T10:09:00.004-05:00

And it's not me.

I got a phone call on Friday around 11:30 a.m. from my friend Abbie. We've known each other since the 7th grade, we went to college together at the University of Maryland and we've had basically every kind of relationship two people can have in that time. Fortunately we've maintained a strong friendship and though we only talk once every few months and live a thousand miles away from each other, any time I get to see or speak to her it is like no time has passed.

Well, when I saw my phone ringing at 11:30 a.m. I knew something was up. She knows I'm stuck to a desk. She knows that I shouldn't pick up my phone at work. She also knows that I will pick up my phone at work.

ME: Are you getting married?

ABBIE: How did you know?

These are the things that 14 years of friendship will give you. A mother's intuition. I didn't know the details, but she filled me in. Friday was Abbie's birthday and her long-distance boyfriend Brian surprised her by flying in a day early. When midnight hit and her own personal new year rang in he popped the question. Needless to say, she accepted his proposal. What is even more amazing is that neither her nor my own big-mouthed mother got to me before Abbie had the chance to tell me the good news first.

Along with the news came an invitation. An invitation to be in the wedding party. Abbie wanted me to be in a dress as one of her bridesmaids however she didn't think that her family would approve so it looks like I'll be clad in a tux, backing up her man, and looking devilishly handsome. I also offered to get ordained as an Atheist minister and marry the two of them myself. What a better way to support your best childhood friend move into married life? She laughed, told Brian and said they'd think about it.

Last night I got this comment on my myspace wall from Abbie...

"Dear Matt,

This is a formal request for you to be my atheist priest. Informally, of course.

Sincerely,

Ugly"

So she could be totally kidding, however I'm going to start doing some research. Here are some places that I can become a legally ordained minister. Even if it doesn't pan out this might be a good addition to my "special skills" on my resume.

The First Church of Atheism - no training. no dues. no problem.

http://firstchurchofatheism.com/

The Universal Life Church - no training. no dues. no problem

http://www.themonastery.org/?gclid=COGrstLP7JICFQGCxwodDyiO4A

The Humanist Society - yes training. yes dues. yes yearly dues. what the eff?

http://www.humanist-society.org/celebrants/inquiry.html

Testing Astrology

2008-04-15T14:16:00.003-05:00

I have been curious about astrology since I was a teenager. I never really bought into it, and have been too cheap/lazy to actually get my star charts read. To me astrology has always been the business of self-fulfilling prophecy. However I have known several people, close friends included, who have gone to the trouble of having their own star charts done, and many of them swear by it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "you're SUCH a Leo!" or , "you feel that way because you're a Leo" or, "get your fingers out of there!" I've even heard recently about the dangers of dating my current girlfriend. Her water sign might put out my fire sign...NOOO!!!

So, in an attempt to understand this stuff more I've been doing some research. I have always wondered if anyone had actually tested the claims that astrology makes. Not the "it works for me" kind of testing, but rather some good old fashioned double blind testing. Testing done by scientists, or sociologists, or some other occupation that ends in -ist.

Well, I have found some. Read away...think for yourself.

http://skeptico.blogs.com/skeptico/2005/02/what_do_you_mea.html

http://www.daylightatheism.org/2006/06/popular-delusions-i.html

Fun With Alienation

2008-03-31T12:07:00.004-05:00

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

It was only a matter of time folks. "The Beastly Bombing" officially lost its first audience members!

This past Saturday night we played to our first sold out house at the Trap Door Theatre (www.trapdoortheatre.com). Now this is not a huge deal since there are only 41 seats in the theatre, however with the seats we added in front of the front row we had about 50 people crammed into the space. It was pretty sweet. Evidently, reviews + time = audience. Who woulda thunkit?

So we're about half way into the first act, we have met most of the main characters and expressed our love of illegal substances and disdain for jews when it happens. Two people in the front row stand up and leave. However, since the new front row butts up against the stage they have to walk across the stage itself to leave. From what I have been told, one of the actors onstage actually pointed and laughed (as if they didn't feel alienated enough already). When the couple got into the theatre lobby, where every actor who wasn't onstage was waiting, we overhear the woman say to what looked like her husband, "WHAT CRAP!" before they left the building proper.

To be perfectly honest I couldn't have been happier. Everyone backstage was sporting a smile and giving high fives like we won the relay race at our high school Field Day. We worked long and hard at this show and if it is done right it will most likely offend people. Some of them will be able to laugh at themselves and others and some will feel outrage and disgust. If they laugh we win, if they leave we win. If we affect the audience in ways other than, "boooo...bad acting" or "BORING", we have done our jobs and therefore we win.

Beastly Bombing - 2
Some unnamed arbitrary competitor - 0

If You See One Musical About Terrorism This Year...

2008-03-28T11:44:00.006-05:00

It should be Trap Door Theatre's "The Beastly Bombing." Yes, this is a shameless self-promotion. Yes, I am in the show. No, you should not bring your children.

A quick synopsis. Two Skinheads and two Al-Quaida members accidentally meet one day while separately trying to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. Comedy ensues. Plus it's a musical, folks. We sing crazy harmonies to lyrics such as "I hate the Jews" and "Mutual Masturbation." Oh yeah, this show is offensive. It is probably the most offensive piece of theatre I have ever done. AND it has a message!

You: Get out!

Me: I will not get out

You: OK, tell me more.

Me: Indubitably.

If you like political, religious, class, and crass humor this show is right up your alley. If you don't, find a friend who does and send them to...

The Trap Door Theatre

1655 W Cortland Ave.

Chicago, IL 60622

Show times:

Thurs-Sat @ 8 p.m., Sundays at 7 p.m.

March 20 - May 3

Ticket Price:

2 for 1 Thursdays - $10 a piece

Fridays $20

Saturdays $25

Sundays $20

Reservations:

773-384-0494 or check out the website http://www.trapdoortheatre.com/

Reviews:

We are recommended by the Reader http://www.chicagoreader.com/listings/static/listings.html#8

We are a must see with Center Stage Chicago

http://www.centerstagechicago.com/theatre/shows/5472.html

They say my name in this one

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/stage/chi-0328_th_fringemar28,1,3369071.story

Atheist Holidays

2008-03-20T09:53:00.002-05:00

I'm still kinda sorta a cultural Jew despite having given up belief in any higher power. So there are still a slew of holidays that I get to celebrate. It's hard to give them up totally. The food, the family, the songs are all still great. I just try to forget all the god stuff and focus on the good things about the holidays. I even enjoy Yom Kippur, our day of atonement, to an extent. The Jewish philosophy that only your sins against god (sorry for no caps people, he's not my god anymore) can be forgiven by god has always appealed to me. Your sins against people have to be forgiven by the people you hurt. There is no middle man, no scape goat to hurl all your sins upon who magically makes them go away by telling him/her/it about them. In Judaism, asking for forgiveness means humbling yourself and saying you're sorry to someone who actually might not accept your apology. Coincidentally, there is a rule of threes in this. From what I have heard, if you ask for forgiveness on three occasions and are denied each time you no longer have to apologise. The sin is on the other person's back at that point.

However, the main point I'd like to make by this post is that as an Atheist, there are very few holidays to celebrate (that are actually fun to celebrate) that are completely secular. We've got, what, the 4th of July...New Years...Earth Day (questionable)...Darwin's Birthday? I think that this might be one more thing that keeps us from creating an actual Atheist community aside from the large one that has grown on the net. One thing that has always brought my family together are the holidays and I think that as Atheists and Secular Humanists we need to find reasons to celebrate and come together as well. So...I'd like to create some new holidays that we can all celebrate, Theist and Atheist alike, that will foster a sense of community and make a better world.

1. National Get Drunk and Touch a Stranger Inappropriately Day
2. National Make Eye Contact on the Elevator Day
3. Love Day (Not to be confused with St. Valentine's Day)
4. Lust Day
5. Buy a Gift for Someone Who Deserves it Day (and then get drunk and touch a stranger inappropriately)
6. National Question Everything Day

Suggestions?

Hey Everyone, Let's Go to Texas...

2008-03-18T10:49:00.004-05:00

And buy a DILDO!!! I know it's a bit late to hop on this bandwagon since news about this came out over a month ago at this point but I think it should be known. Last month, Texas FINALLY overturned its laws making it a crime to sell sex toys. To quote the Statesman ,"Under Texas law it is illegal to sell, advertise, give or lend obscene devices, defined as a device used primarily for sexual stimulation. Anyone in possession of six or more sexual devices is considered to be promoting them." And yes, this law was not frequently enforced, however it took until 2008 to get Texas up to sexual par with the rest of the country. Come on Texas, get that stick out of your ass and replace it with one of these. I'm sure it'll leave a lot less splinters.

Haven't our parents and religions and own personal experiences fucked us up enough about sex? We don't need our states to come in and enforce even more retarded (yes, I know that your cousin is retarded. So am I) morality upon us to make sex even harder and less enjoyable. No one should have the right to tell us what we can and can not put inside our and our loved ones' orafices, unless you are one of the few people who put small children and animals inside your orafices. And yes, sometimes doing things because they are taboo and illegal can make them even hotter, but laws like these are just ass backwards.

Friends of mine who are from what they consider "The greatest country on earth (Texas)" just got another notch on their belts. They've got football, SXSW, massive flooding, beef and now they have all the sex toys they can get their hands on. Think of the killing I could make on a street corner with a trench coat full of Rabbits. I think I've found my calling.

Happy Fucking.

The (Sleeping) Naked Challenge - Week 2

2008-02-20T11:55:00.004-06:00

Success!

I have gone for over a week sleeping in the nude and I'm nearing the end of my second week in this challenge of challenges. Plus I have successfully taken over the center of my bed and I am, slowly but surely, evening out the indentations in my mattress. So far I have not been kept awake by the uncontrollable...tensions...that haunted me as an adolescent and the ones that greet me in the morning have been a staple of my life for as long as I can remember. They remind me why I'm alive.

The (Sleeping) Naked Challenge

2008-02-07T13:28:00.000-06:00

Please Note: This blog is about sleeping naked. It is about me sleeping naked and includes details about my sex life. If you don't want to know these details about my life please skip to another posting.

In my life I have relegated the act of sleeping naked as a partners activity. About 99% of my nude sleeping has occured with other people. The other 1% has occured on evenings where I have consciously decided to throw caution and my clothing to the wind in an effort to prove to myself that I can sleep naked and alone.

When I first attempted to sleep in the buff I was only a young teen. However, this was during

that period of puberty where uncontrollable erections plagued me around every corner and attempts at sleeping naked simply kept me up for hours pitching a tent in my sheets until I either A) got up and put on clothes, or B) ...uhhh...yeah. Even when that period ended I did not even try to sleep naked again for fear of recurrent failure.

My naked renaissance started my freshman year at the University of Maryland with my first college girlfriend. When we first started sleeping together she actually refused to wear clothing to bed and I soon (read "immediately") followed suit. Also, any uncontrollable erections I had were met with an equal or opposite reaction from her. Usually an equal reaction so it wasn't really a problem anymore. I had previously become quite a streaker and skinny dipper, however when my naked repertoire expanded to include sleeping, the floodgates to my renaissance opened fully. Unfortunately, once that relationship ended I was back in my pjs in full force. Even on nights when I slept alone while we were dating I slept in some form of clothing be it boxer briefs and athletic t-shirt (otherwise known as a "wifebeater" to the hoi polloi) or full on flannel pajama pants and middle school olympics shirt.

Maybe I was not meant to sleep in the nude. In subsequent attempts I have found that, and I know this sounds silly, I feel quite naked being in the buff alone at night in my bed. And by that I mean to say that it makes me feel really vulnerable. Sleeping WITH someone else naked feels safe, secure, comforting. Without that other person though it is, for me, like the sound of one hand clapping (insert masturbation joke here). It almost highlights the solitude of singledom. I wrote a lyric once for a still unfinished song that said, "I wasn't lonely I was just alone." Well, being without my clothes in my bed can add that aspect of lonely to alone for me.

But here's the thing. I think it may be time to reclaim that for myself. Turn it into an activity that I do out of habit like eating, and checking my e-mail, and re-watching movies that I loved when I was 8. Train myself, so to speak. If Pavlov could do it for his dogs, maybe I can do it for myself. I can hopefully turn my bedtime into something that I automatically associate with being naked (with or without a partner). I mean, hey, I spend countless hours wearing layer upon layer of clothes. I should give my body a break for a few hours a night to recenter itself and get rid of any elastic waist band indentations that it may have accumulated during the day.

On top of that, since we're turning new pages, I'm going to reclaim the center of my bed. That's right. You heard it here. I own a queen sized bed. The most comfortable queen sized bed that you've ever laid on. And I sleep on one side of it. With or without someone sharing it with me there is an entire half of my bed that remains reserved for the potential or actuality of another body. Subsequently, the side that I do sleep on dips a bit lower than the unused side. I think it's time to give my mattress a flip and stake my claim in the center of it instead of acquiescing it to ghosts of lovers past, present and future. And in actuality it has really nothing to do with other people. I've just gotten used to using one side. And it's about time to get UNUSED to it.

Well, tonight will be night 4 of my little experiment. It's going well aside from the fucked up dreams that I've been having lately. Only time will tell though...and hopefully I can stay single long enough to make sleeping naked my new norm. It'll be hard, but I think I can do it. Ha! That's so sad...

And now for some fun links.

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6141895

www.wikihow.com/snuggle

Hi, my name is matt and I am addicted to Moleskine

2008-01-28T00:32:00.000-06:00

So, every once in a while I find a brand that I go a little bit crazy about. They enter my life and stick around like a case of herpes...FOREVER. It has happened with Apple computers, with American Eagle Jeans (it's the only brand I currently wear) and most recently with Moleskine journals.

I've always admired Moleskines from afar. Sleek, stylish, well made, my boner for them was unyielding. However their price tags have kept me from purchasing one for myself until recently. I had just completed a journal as the new year approached and I needed to get a new one to fill with the romantic comedy/soap opera that is my life. So I decided to bite the bullet and shell out the money for a Moleskine of my own. I was tired of watching my co-workers with theirs, all enlightened and shit. It was my turn.

So I bought two of them. But neither of them worked for a journal since their pages were too thin. I was not beaten though. I went out and found myself a Moleskine sketchbook with super thick pages that would not bleed from the power of my pen. I used one of the other Moleskines as a notebook for random improv/music/whathaveyou notes and one of them still sits on my desk untouched.

Unfortunately/Fortunately this wasn't enough for me. I was also in need of a DAYTI

MER. I had been using the same PDA since 2002 (I think) that was given to my by an ex-girlfriend's mom. It was a great gift and I did my best to use it as much as possible (partially out of guilt, partially because it was cool). It was an utter failure. I rarely put down dates and notes and even more seldom checked those dates and notes. Most every appointment I've had in the past few years has either been stored in my head or e-mailed to me by yours truly and I figured that now was a time to stop the madness.

Once again I ventured into the realm of Moleskine. They made exquisite day planners, however they were nowhere to be found. Being that it was already late January most places had sold out of their Moleskine planners. They were even sold out ONLINE. This didn't stop me though. I called several stores and on my third or fourth try found success. The place that was selling them was even having a sale. And as I've always told myself, "It's not real money if it's on sale" so I bought TWO. Two different styles, two different ways of organizing my life.

Upon opening a Moleskine they are no longer returnable. I was o.k. with this though. I had not spent real money on them and even if I could not return one to the store I could always sell it for a profit online. I needed to weigh my options, for I was going to be stuck with my decision for a year. I made it though and if you would please direct your attention to the right side of your screen I would like to introduce you to my brand new day timer. Let's set up a play date. I'll write it down this time.

The Paranoid Atheist

2008-01-24T11:24:00.000-06:00

I've been a certified Atheist for since about 2002. Before then, in middle and high-school, I definitely believed in a higher power, even a psychological higher power for a time. As I got older though it turned into more of a Deism as opposed to a Theism. God used to be a dude in the sky who watched out for me and rewarded or punished me based on my actions. He then turned into the grass and the trees and I was supposed to look out for them and leave the world better than I came into it. I enjoyed this view. It was a beautiful way to look at the world.

Then, during my senior year in high-school, I made my first Atheist friend. Well, I may have had Atheist friends before then, but I sure as hell didn't know about it. Ok, back to the subject at hand. He didn't so much argue with me about religion as he did simply open the door to more skepticism than I had allowed in my life up until that point. I was about to

go off to college, it was time for me to open my mind to possibilities. And open I did.

During my Sophmore year at the University of Maryland I took the Philosophy of Religion in which we spent an entire semester arguing the existence of god. On the first day of class our professor split the class up into Theists, Agnostics and Atheists. I was still an agnostic at the time yet I decided to sit with the Atheists. I think there were three or four of us in total surrounded by a sea of theists and agnostics. It was great. 12 weeks of learning a slew of arguments for an against the existence of god. Plus, our teacher did not tell us his own leanings until the end of class in order to give us an unbiased view of the arguments. It turned out that he was not only Christian, but he was also a Calvinist. And it also turned out that by the end of the class that I was not only an Agnostic, I was now an Atheist.

It was also interesting to note that my high-school Atheist friend had now found a god of some sort.

It is now 2008 and in 2006 I began regularly reading two Atheist blogs as an effort to remind myself why I believe what I believe. They are (in the order that I found them so as not to make the authors jealous of each other when they google search their own site to see who writes about them) The Friendly Atheist and Greta Christina's Blog. The Friendly Atheist is a Chicago math teacher who wrote the book "I Sold My Soul on E-Bay." He is exactly what he claims to be. A nice guy, also an Atheist, who blogs about his beliefs in a friendly fashion. Greta Christa, on the other hand, is a professional writer who writes not only about atheism but also has a good deal of erotica and articles about sex on her blog (right up my alley). They have provided an endless amount of reading material and both have made references to a few books written in recent years about Atheism.

Well, I have finally picked up one of those books. "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins. And it's great. It's wonderful. It's offensive. But here's the thing though. I usually wear my beliefs on my sleeve when questioned. I usually express them with or without provocation. However, reading this book in public, just like wearing a crucifix or a kippa, is basically advertising my religious stance to the world. It's my bat beacon of anti-belief and I'm actually a bit paranoid of reading it in public for fear of attacks be they verbal or physical. I know that Atheists in America, although a greatly growing group, are still hated by many. Recent polls have shown that the American public would put basically every ethnic minority, sexual stance, and religion into office before they put an Atheist into office. We've had one outwardly Atheist President and that was Thomas Jefferson in 1801.

So yeah, I've been a little paranoid reading this book. When I walk in public with it I usually have the cover facing my body and I'm wary whenever I read it on the "el". However, much to my surprise, no one has confronted me about my reading material. People have been curious about what I was reading but I've gotten no outwardly hostile reactions after a week of reading "The God Delusion" on the train and in various other public places. The only religious arguments I've had all week have been with very close friends. So there goes my paranoid theory right out the window. Maybe people in Chicago are more accepting than I had previously imagined. Only time will tell.

Facebook 3,429,003 / Matt 0

2008-01-10T15:07:00.000-06:00

Oh god no!!!

I finally gave in. After months of people saying, "JOIN FACEBOOK" in one way shape or form, I have ventured over to the dark side and signed up for an account. I put in all my relevant information, left out the fact that I'm still a fan of the Gilmore Girls, posted a photo and waited for the inevitable to come. The inevitable being uncontrollable site searching, friend requesting, e-mail sending, and now POKING. And it did come. It came within hours of signing up with my first friend requests. A little bit more than 24 hours after having signed on for the first time I have acquired 20 friends (5 or 6 more pending), bruises from being poked so hard, new pictures and even plans for Friday night.

I have forced myself to not friend request every person I find that I know for fear of becoming friend greedy. Aren't we all though? I look at the pages of people with over 300 friends and I think to myself three thoughts. 1) My god, you're never going to keep in contact with all these people, 2) Do you even know all these people in the first place and 3) Why am I not that popular?!? AND THEN COMES THE ADDICTION.

Now I'm a busy guy. I've got shit to do. Plays to rehearse, improv to perform, journals, blogs and sad bastard love songs to write. Not to mention a healthy social life AND two Myspace pages to keep current. However, I'm feeling Facebook creeping in like electric kudzu. Soon it might take over my whole existence, even replacing my porn addiction. And if you know me at all, you know that's a big effin' deal.
Help. I can't stop clicking the refresh button on my browser...sigh

Reason #2547 I Love Improv

2007-12-14T12:04:00.000-06:00

Sarah: I found this baby in a trash can.

Tim: Wow.

Sarah: Yeah, I think it's mine.

Journaling again...a.k.a. unblogging

2007-12-07T11:18:00.000-06:00

I started writing in my journal again lately. My paper journal. Yes, there are even things that are not suitable for this site. There are actually things that I decide to keep to myself (despite my open book policy about most things in my life) to let my biographers sort through while simultaneously jerking off and crying. There will be biographers? I can only hope...and dread...and hope...and dread.

The major hurdle for this endeavor is that I have been forcing myself to catch up on the past two years of my life. The last two entries found in my journal before recent rantings occur in January of 2006 and December of 2006 respectively. Both entries are basically excuses for why I haven't written with extensive self-apologies and plans for the future of my journal. However, after my last journal entry, my love life picked up and my journal was once again put down. I mean, who wants to write about/during their happy times? Not this guy. I would much rather experience it than write about it. Maybe I'll write about it after the fact, but when I've got a ticket for the joy express, I'm riding that train without a book.

Well, I'm single again...I'm writing again...and I'm faced with two years of life, mostly love related, to write about. sigh. I don't write about the plays I've been in or the things I've accomplished since moving to Chicago, or about the grandparents that have passed. I pretty much write about my relationships with women, and every once in a while, crazy anecdotes from my life. Maybe all that other stuff will find its way here.

Some of the writing process has been fucked up. Revisiting and going through old wounds and e-mails brought back momentarily some feelings I though I was done with. I guess there might always be a part of me that twinges when I read certain notes and go back to certain memories (I'm so SPECIFIC) however I'm finally finished writing about the worst breakup of my life and on to new territory. What has been nice though is that my relationships since then have been relatively blood free. It has been a joy to move on to new territories, even new pain. I'm actually happy to write about recent shitty events. Partially because I was afforded to write about so much of the joy I've experienced since that last journal entry. And there has been a lot of joy. A lot of joy.

Does she have any friends?

2007-12-07T11:09:00.000-06:00

Me: Why would you have sex with someone you're not attracted to?
Josh: Because she's there.
Me: Oh...

Thoughts on Sex 1

2007-11-28T02:02:00.000-06:00

Having sex with a girl when she's on her period is like eating ribs...gross...and awesome...and potentially awesome because it's gross.

Now, I don't know many Shakespeare quotes, but there is one that I keep on coming back to. It can be found both in Hamlet as well as posted on the inside of my bestest friend's bathroom door. "Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." I'm sure I'll come back to that quote time and time again until it is a mantra and I am a shaman of moral ambiguity.